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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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wish... |
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is 
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please some one take the time to read and critique! = ) thanx. i saw you tonight from afar, wishing you were close, holding me in your arms. i watch you as you walk here and there, why cant you love, me, it just isn't fair. finally, some how, you came near. but for some reason my body struck fear. you looked past my eyes, straight through me, i couldn't believe that you couldn't see. looking the other way, you talk to your friends, why cant he turn and look here again? maybe he'll see me if he would just turn around, just look behind you, i'm here on the ground. again he looks over, and this time he waves, could it be? should talk to him? i have to be brave. i walked over to him, and said, 'hey, how are you?' he looked at me and said 'fine, and you too?' 'yes' i said, and that was it, i couldn't talk anymore, my heart and bravery shattered on the floor. he started talking on and on, and finally he said 'well, i've got to go.' i worked up the courge to tell him 'ok,' and hung my head low. why couldn't i talk to him, what was my problem? im just like a fish that just can't swim. 'hey, whats wrong, are you ok?' my buttflies were gone, to my dismay. i told him 'not really, but you dont want to talk,' he said, 'ya, w/ever, lets go for a walk.' he asked me 'whats wrong, can i help you through?' 'maybe, i dont know, cause its actually about you.' 'me? what about me? am i being stupid?' 'no, its not that,' then my face went red. 'oh, is that what this is? do you like me?' 'what, can you you tell, can you really see?' we went on and on, and i actually talked, it seemed like forever that we had walked. but then something happenned that i would never have suspected, he told me something that forever raised my head. i couldn't believe it, he liked me too, and when he told me, i asked him, 'me?...you???' 'yep' he said, 'could you tell that i did?' 'no, not at all, and thats why i hid' 'so, do you want to be my girlfriend? that would be cool.' 'yes i would. that would rock, thank you.' not a moment went by before it happened, it was my wish. right now, on the best night of my life, i got my first kiss. kinda long(ish)... ~me could you be anymore PERFECT? |
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| © Copyright 2006 Becca - All Rights Reserved | |||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
not a moment went by before it happened, it was my wish. right now, on the best night of my life, i got my first kiss. this was my fav. part  this was good it also had a beautiful story behind it tx for sharing hope to read more from you...hunnie* A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is |
thanx! = ) u will here more from me...i LOVE to write...even if im not very good...its just fun! |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Awww, it's such a sweet poem to read! I liked how it goes through stages in the emotions, first the feeling of insecurity to the feeling of confusion to the feeling of, well, you know what I mean. I thought it added a lot to the poem. You asked for critique and since I'm not very good at that I'm just going to give one suggestion... That would be the conversations, in the poem, it's hard to understand which person is talking at times, cause it doesn't give us a real clear he's talking she's talking it just... talks? I don't know what I'm talking about... lolz Thanks for sharing this piece, I loved it! "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
i am not so sure how i feel about the point of view changing but it adds something different to the poem. so thanks for sharing |
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is |
well, thats part of the point, but i guess i didn't make it clear enough in it...thanx = ) |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Hey, I'm not very good at doing critiques but I'll just let ya know what I think you can improve upon. The poem itself was good, I enjoyed the read. I just feel like there's some obvious grammar/spelling mistakes that can easily be taken care of. Also, this is just my own opinion here, but using netspeak and abbreviations in poems is annoying. For example where you wrote "w/ever" you chould just as easily written "whatever". But as I said before, nice effort. If you'd really like to a thorough critique of your poem, you could always post it in the critical analysis forum, where all of the members are extremely helpful. Hope to see more from you soon!  ~Alli~ |
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is |
thanx for the critique! = ) |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
In terms of crittique I do agree with completely with Stargal and Alli. This was very good. |
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