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Problems with Everything
| Open Poetry #41 |
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Problems with Everything |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
The collective unconscious- a problem known but left alone. Corrupt minds filtering truths- like coffee through a holy filter. A whole generation fore-fed lies. Flinging the deeds of our fore-fathers, at the dartboard like world- (Bullseye!) Red cape government, flapping above when we get to close. A swinging saber down- To take away our shining crowns. Collective awareness on the brink Consuming words of mouth, Like filth poured through a sewer pipe. Thoughts eaten before uttered- No faith in the process of spoken words. (A servitude to a spoken lie) As if their severing the tethers to what life is. Doomed to spend life unaware. [This message has been edited by Treagal (01-08-2008 10:28 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Treagal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
I would like a critique on this if anyone is up for it. I know it needs work, but I did like the underlying message of it. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A warm welcome to this wonderful site.  Why not post your poem to the forum of "Critical Analysis #2". There your poem will get "what you want". Tom |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Ah, the individual vs the collective consciousness. (Junge) Most are (I fear)doomed...to play the world dart game in ignorance and servitude, unable or unwilling to think outside the little Box-isms gifted us by our educational systems, our religious establishments, our political systems. As a general critique comment, I find the overall thoughts powerful and ponderful, though the presentation is a bit awkward and dis-jointed. The Critical forum might be more helpful than Open. Welcome to Pips! |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
On target, Kacy. Ida |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Midnitesun- thanks, those were my exact sentiments. And I agree whole-heartedly about the dis jointedness of the piece. Tom- thanks for the tip, I just noticed that forums now that you pointed it out. |
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