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Dreaming Desire (need feedback,, my first poem)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dreaming Desire (need feedback,, my first poem) |
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eterniT98 New Member
since 2000-07-09
Posts 3 |
Dreaming Desire Flowing through blackness, waves of thought I send to you Feel my heartache and longing Piercing midnight blue, a billion between Sleep washing over, smooth silken flow Sharing a moment alone in tranquil bliss In limbs reaching as one Climbing its branches, caressing its blooms Exotic fruits plucked and consmed Rushing to souls exploding Temperatures rise Awaking frantically, grasping air and particles Through fingers slide A void rests by my side Sighing and smiling the pillow I clutch Relapsing to dreams, so again we can touch. Tonya Cain 7/8/00 |
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| © Copyright 2000 eterniT98 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Very well written poem and remarkable for a first post. I enjoyed the imagery and was reminded of a slogan once written by someone like you. "Do dreams not drugs." The white water rafting trip you won and shared with me remains one of my fondest memories. luv forrest |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Very nicely written. consmed is consumed You must have asked your Dad to help you spell. The physical aspect of love is a wonderful thing. The spiritual aspect of love is even better. I bow to your first poem. Love Uncle Eldridge |
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pasqually Junior Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 23West Virginia |
Good Tonya....If we have nothing else we always have our dreams. Some good, some bad, but that's one thing that's always ours. Don't ask your dad how to spell anything--learn how to use spell check. Good job! Of course, the way I judge a poem is by the way it moves me. Therefore, if I can understand the meaning and it touches my heart--it's good. I don't know squat about anything else. Love, Aunt Pasqually |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
omygosh, another member in the cain clan!  just kiddin.  welcome tonya! why is it that dream men are always so superior in so many ways? ah well. here's some critique to start you off.Piercing midnight blue, a billion between i dont quite understand this line. what is peircing midnight blue? is it the thoughts? and a billion whats? and between what? Awaking frantically, grasping air and particles ok, so for me, the picture of grasping for particles doesnt quite work. ya know cuz they're so small and stuff. also, you might think about smoothing out the meter in spots. ya dont have to, just somethin to think about.  i didnt even know there WAS a spell check button here. oh well. luv Elyse |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Welcome Tonya!  I enjoyed this, your first post, immensely - don't use your dad or spell check... there are these things, I think they call them dictionaries.... j/k! (be careful around me, I'm the trouble maker around here.) I do agree with Elyse regarding meter. The flow is great, overall, just a few stumbly spot (very few, actually and not that noticable - to me). The line "Piercing midnight blue, a billion between" is wonderful, metaphorically speaking - it gives me many different meanings, which I can explore each time I read this poem (6 times now, as we speak). "grasping air and particles Through fingers slide" tell me if you were thinking about the feeling of grasping at nothing upon waking... "particles through fingers slide" gives me the recollection of some philosophers of note who discuss our existence and true nature of matter.... Ah well, I've bored you long enough I suppose... Again, well done m'lady. Well done indeed.  < !signature-->Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway [This message has been edited by JP (edited 07-10-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
welcome Tonya anymore hiding at home LOL ...elyse where's this spell button your referring to? ...I'm pretty much the illiterate one out of the bunch so I look at poems from a 'dislike or like' point of view and I definitely liked yours, although I hope I never wake up from a dream because of the heartache of losing someone (unless of course I know for sure he's facing the same dilemma and if not I'll call him just so he's awake too LOL)...on the other hand if it's dreaming about someone I want but don't have...yet...then it would be time to get out of dreamland and find him  ...the words "blackness, heartache, piercing, exploding and frantically" give me a different impression and dream isn't one of them, more like a point between dreaming and nightmare, just my inexperienced opinion talking outloud! welcome again to CA debbie Never underestimate the Power of Purpose. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the 'Present' unkn |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Tonya I suppose my views on this lie somewhere between those of Elyse and JP (at least they would except that JP prejudiced me against his by posting that damned dancing baby ... gawd ...how infuriating can you get !!!! ) anyway the point I'm making is that you have some great lines here which taken in isolation are .... well .... great! eg: "Piercing midnight blue, a billion between" "In limbs reaching as one" "grasping air and particles Through fingers slide" even: "Rushing to souls exploding" although I've been indoctrinated to believe that "soul" and "red rose" and "oh" and "beach" are poison to poems .. so I'm with JP in the sense that these lines evoked some interesting images. Furthermore in the context of a single line i don't think that it matters that in reality you can't grasp "particles" or "air" .. I don't think that one of the criteria for good poetic imagery is mechanical practicality ..is it? ...lol.... BUT in overall terms i have to say i tend to go along with elyse's discomfort in not being able to pin down more meaning ... I know there are those who will say it doesn't matter at all, but at the end of the day, after reading a piece lots of times, i like to be able to come up with a fairly convincing theory as to what i think it's about even if that is totally unrelated to what the writer had in mind. I have to say that I'm having problems in doing that with this piece right now especially in the section: "Piercing midnight blue, a billion between Sleep washing over, smooth silken flow Sharing a moment alone in tranquil bliss In limbs reaching as one Climbing its branches, caressing its blooms Exotic fruits plucked and consmed Rushing to souls exploding" where the imagery seems to swing around quite a bit so that its actually quite difficult to grasp anything tangible and hold on to it long enough to understand... lol ... Maybe that's what you intended !! Anyway, that said, you clearly have an amazing mind and sooner or later I know you're gonna write something simple enough for lil' ol' me to understand .... uhh ohh ... on second thoughts maybe not ...lol ... you're another of the Cain clan i see ... eek !! oh and btw .... welcome to CA... philip |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Tonya, Just wanted to ad my own "Welcome to CA." I see you have already recieved some pretty good critiques so I won't try to add much. I seem to be pretty much in agreement with Elyse and Philip. You have some great imagery here but some parts just don't seem to fit with others. Perhaps that's just because I have a mental block or something. For example take the lines, "Piercing midnight blue, a billion between Sleep washing over, smooth silken flow" You present 4 distinct images and I see no relationship. As I said, may be just me as I can be pretty dense at times  Anyway, very good first post and I hope to see much more from you. Pete |
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