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invocation for a seance
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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invocation for a seance |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes life drives and drives you like a jackhammer to the soul and-and you get sick of it ya don't want no more walk down the street steaming seeping seething anger waiting for someone to cross ya so you can spit in their face and hope the hate in your stomach burns out their eyes blues are greys yellows and oranges and reds-all black the street a battlefield all humans your enemies yeah, when that's life your heart is dead bruised derided cursed defiled by thew powers that be-society and all it's minions It scares me 'cause every once in a while that crap happens to me the want to fight and hate -and when i've had enough- to fight and hate some more so i figure...part of my heart must be dead and all i can do is is well to look for a necromancer CPR a doc w/ adrenaline something anything- hoping it ain't too late 'cause the heart has to live "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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| © Copyright 2001 rich cooper - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
You have a good sense of flow in this. It beats a bit like rap. The first ten lines are amazing, I think. The use of an actual speech pattern always appeals to me, especially when combined (not overbearingly) with alliteration/ rhyme and other poetic techniques. "blues are greys yellows and oranges and reds-all black" The image itself is okay (not outstanding) but the transition is awkward, add a bit (just a short line) about perceiving it this way. "the street a battlefield all humans your enemies yeah, when that's life your heart is dead" Too plain. You lost your rhythm here, somehow, especially with the battlefield street- I'm thinking demolition man or something. Doesn't work. And when you said "humans your enemies" you dehumanized the speaker- it made me feel like I was talking to a bot- I know the poem is about alienation, but the speaker has to actually still have human attributes so the reader can relate. Find another less stilted way to phrase that. And then, use another word besides 'dead' and the last 2 lines there will be okay. "bruised derided cursed defiled by thew powers that be-society and all it's minions It scares me 'cause every once in a while that crap happens to me" Fix the type-o. Also, 2 'me's in close proximity- make 'it scares me' into a passive verb- 'it's scary' (altho i would use a more flavorful word than 'scary'. Other than that, good lines, you caught your rhythm again. "the want to fight and hate -and when i've had enough- to fight and hate some more" I personally think 'want' is a very weak noun. Also, fight and hate could be revamped- work something more interesting in there. "so i figure...part of my heart must be dead" You said that earlier. Use more variety, especially be careful when repeating all-too-common mono-syllabic words like 'dead'. It's easy to sound uninventive. "and all i can do is is well to look " is 'is' supposed to be repeated? If so, include a dash like you did earlier in the poem. Also, 'to' seems unneccessary to me. "to look for a necromancer CPR a doc w/ adrenaline something anything- hoping it ain't too late" Very good- you can sense the urgency- I love the phrasing. "'cause the heart has to live" ACK!! This is a very forceful poem, get rid of that weak ending. If the heart needs anything, it needs to walk the friendly streets. ALL thru the poem you describe a scene of a death of the heart- very well. So give us a small glimpse maybe into what the life of the heart would be. One last thing- the title doesn't really mesh with the content. this needs a real hard sharp title, not something airy and ethereal. Give it something alive, something you can really feel. Overall, I really enjoyed the down-to-earth quality of this piece as well as the flesh and blood wording. You made me belive that this speaker is really out there and suffering and searching, and more than that, I felt the pain. That's a really hard thing to do with this kind of topic- so thanks for sharing it. I hope my ideas help. everything's fine. [This message has been edited by hush (edited 06-23-2001).] |
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