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Lost
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Lost |
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Great Below Junior Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 13Massachusetts, USA |
Lost There is no place I can go I run from eternity Tracked like a dog Seized as a savage degenerate Ripped away from what is known Placed in a void of uncertainty Never to be divulged again Steel is my companion now For the rest of my days Cold and baron Like the people, jaded, Mislead into superficial myopia. Unfathomable seclusion Seething multifarious a demon Watching, waiting for a false move. Intensity multiplies Hearts race A silent click on a moonlit night, A release from it all, Salvation |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Graves - All Rights Reserved | |||
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada |
Jeremy, WHAT AN AMAZING KICK-OFF!! A beautifully written poem filled with rage and despair that explored the sense of "lost" to its fullest! Sentences with precise and powerful wording build up the emotion throughout the poem: "Seized as a savage degenerate Ripped away from what is known Placed in a void of uncertainty ... ... Seething multifarious a demon Watching, waiting for a false move. Intensity multiplies" and the final release of salvation on a moonlit night is just so sentimental and yet, it closes up the entire poem so well by lifting the meaning from a mere sense of "lost" to a higher level as if the "paradise" is "re-gained"!! What craftiness!! What power of insight!! A totally awesome piece of work dude, i LOVED it! Keep it high! - Alex |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ah yes, what Alex said! And then some! An amazing kick-off for a first post! Welcome to Passions! Karilea |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Awesome piece work. I can't say it better than those who wrote before me. Although "superficial myopia" is the phrase that pays for me. Jeen |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jeremy, This is indeed a good start. I don't have time to say much right now but I particularly liked the last stanza. Mostly, I just wanted to welcome you to the CA forum. I think you will have a fine time in here. Check you email for a message. Pete |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Um - is anyone going to crit this? No? Okies..I will then. I'm not going to do a full line-by-line here, but just pick out some general points with a couple of examples. Well firstly - welcome...I think you have some good ideas, however I think some of this is too heavy, and a tad cliched. By heavy I mean too dramatic...for instance: quote: Ripped away is cliched...and 'never to be divulged again' coupled with 'savage degenerate' reads like a lead weight.  I think this is a perfect example of telling not showing. By that I mean there is very little imagery in your work. What is a void of uncertainity? Can you explain exactly how you see this void, rather than just saying it exists? You have some nice word usage...but be careful not to use words for the sake of intellectualism..simple words can actually provide images that work just as, if not better, than clunky almost-arrogant language. Ie - 'Seething multifarious a demon' Seething I like. Multifarious? It doesn't communicate anything to me. It's almost a dead word - that adds nothing to the poem. Also, it's an ambiguous word. Are you using it as a synonym for mutliple? Diverse? If that's the case - it doesn't technically work here. If you're using it as a synonym for different then it might work. Still...I think the poem's better off without it. Punctuation. Your first stanza has none. Your second stanza has punc. in the two last lines. Your third stanza has one period. Your fourth stanza has two commas. This equates to an inconsistent, awkward grammatical experience. Like I often say - I think the key to punctuation is consistency. For your poem I personally feel it's better off unpunctuated. A question - who are 'the people'? It might be a good idea to give your readers a situation to place these people in; a concept of their function in your poem... cheers  KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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**lost** Junior Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 32ma |
jeremy, you are an awesome poet, i must say. although i do have a few comments. your ideas are great, but, try to use some less ambigious words they dont have much meaning. try to focus on what the words make yourself or a person feel, not on your skill at vocabulary. It is heavy, but obviously it is meant to be that way. confused among strangers, |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
A very dramatic read. I think no punctuation would serve you better, as some of the others have stated. The ending did concern me though....what is that click? I visualized the "click" of a gun trigger....oh dear....hope not...we need you to keep writing. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I agree with Kamla (Severn) except I would be much harsher on the poem. I've been gun-shy for the last month or so due to a bad situation. Nice words, some interesting lines, but they don't add up to anything. Your syntax is haphazard giving the feel that you wrote this very quickly (that's fine but I don't think that's the feel you're shooting for). I get the feeling that you're trying for a kind of heavy metal poetic here but it doesn't work--admittedly it's hard to do. What is a silent click? Just an opinion, Brad |
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Great Below Junior Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 13Massachusetts, USA |
The silent click you are wondering about is an attempt at showing how when someone does commit suicide no one else is able to save them, hench the silence. The actual sound is perfectly audible but i guess it was to confusing a metaphor to but used in that poem. Thank you to everyone for the comments good and bad, I have to start improving my writing somewhere.... |
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