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Critical Analysis #1

jump

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

0 posted 2002-01-08 06:50 PM

Jump

so you've found some girl
who'll jump for you
turn the tricks you like
maybe this one
will throw you away
before you tire of her
maybe someon to teach you
the bitter taste
of tears
when they are blades
and you cannot touch the
nerves
for your blood is poisoned
so bleeed heartless one,
Bleed
for all of the skies
fallen around/for you
too caught up in the videos
of real life
to pay attention

~Me

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-01-08 11:15 PM

I like the title here.

That said, the rest was a little too generalized. For example, with the lines:

'maybe someon to teach you
the bitter taste
of tears'

you seem to assume that the reader knows what tears taste like. What if I've never cried? Moreover, I don't know if these are tears of joy, skin-your-knee tears, or broken-heart tears, or whatever, and I don't know what all those things taste like to you. More specifics would help... an adjective, a name for the girl, a hair color, something to characterize the poem.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

2 posted 2002-01-15 06:20 PM

the whole idea was to give people a general idea of what i'm saying, something they can elaborate on and give their own meanings, the whole point was for you to apply this to what you already know

Chrissy
Member

since 2002-01-24

Posts 81
Idaho, no I am not a farmer!

3 posted 2002-01-24 05:15 AM

I love the way you write, you make it so you give a lot for people to wonder about, and at hte same time you have some dep feelings in your poetry. Thanks for the writing, please keep it up!

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