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Teen Poetry #2
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Keychain
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Keychain |
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Crystalina123 Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 228 |
YOUR HALF OF ME We met through friends, And laughed as time passed by, We sat outside, watching the sun rise and the winds, Pass through the trees as birds fluttered across the deep blue sky. We smiled because we knew it all, So innocent and yet so sure, With you by my side I stood tall, Proud of everything we were. You became my best friend, Somewhere deep in my heart I believed you were a godsend. You smiled when I laughed, cried when I cried, Swore you'd be there till the day I died. We fell in love, Typical story I'm sure, Friendships becoming more, Love so completely pure. For Valentines Day last year, I gave you a half of a key chain, The words, reflected how I felt, just like a mirror: "The lord watch over me, And thee, While we are absent from one another." You kept your half, I kept mine, Looking back on it, I try to force myself to laugh, A love ill fated by design. You said good bye almost three months ago, The story still seems as dark, As something written by Poe. You don't smile at me anymore, And now I cry as time passes by, I sit outside, watching the sun set and the winds, Flutter the trees as the leaves fall from the pale grey sky. I smile cause now I know it all, So tainted and yet so unsure, I finger this key chain, wanting to call, Your name, wondering if you still have your half, Wondering if you remember what we once were. -- Crystal Ryan |
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| © Copyright 2000 Crystal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Great first poem, welcome to passions. Wouldnt it be great if love worked on the first try? I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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Singer1981 Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 148Fredonia, NY USA |
Crystal--This was very good, especially for your first post! I could tell how much emotion was behind the words. One thing that bothered me, was that you started off with one rhyme scheme, switched to another, and then completely abandoned the rhyming altogether. I think that it would flow a lot better if you tried to fix that. Other than that, great work!! I can't wait to see more! ~Sarah |
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Bronx Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 84Oviedo, Florida, U.S. |
Wow- that was your first poem here?! that was very good for any try. I liked it very much! Poetically yours Bronx Be careful! It's a jungle out there! |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Lovely first post. Welcome to Passions. Check your e-mail.  |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
What a wonderful first post! It's really good! I look forward to reading more of your poetry. Salooma |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Wow, what a tale! Welcome To Passions, this is really good, with a lot of heartfelt detail. I will be looking forward to more of your posts! *Krista Knutson* One lives in the hope of becoming a memory. ~*Antonio Porchia*~ |
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KiKi Junior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 15 |
WOW!! that really touched me!! I am in the same boat an din feels t me like more and more are joining in!!!! I really got touche dmy youyr poem to be honost I started to cry!! I hope to keep seeing more and more of your work in the near future!! |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
crystalina: one of the most gripping first stanzas i've read in a very long time... absolutely beautiful... and the soft rhyme of "winds" and "friends", "by" and "sky"... absolutely beautiful... the poem as a whole is also very beautiful... i do have a few suggestions that might help the rest of the poem flow as smoothly and as beautifully as the first stanza... feel free to take and leave whatever you will: 1st, you might consider lengthening lines 7 & 8 to give them a bit more of the feel of the first stanza... perhaps something like "With you by my side I could stand tall,/ And be proud of everything we were." 2nd, in line 9, the word "best" is just sounds too sharp compared to the rest of the poem... i would suggest replacing it with "closest" and i would also suggest changing the word "till" in line 12 to "until"... 3rd, in the 5th stanza, second line, i'd suggest taking out the first "a" to make it "i gave you half of a keychain"... finally, you might consider amending the line "As something written by Poe."... i feel that it throws off the flow and narrative rhythm of your poem... this is a beautiful poem and it touched me deeply... (i've always been a romantic type  )... hope to read more of your poetry on the forum soon...sincerely, jerome the boy with the snowman for a friend A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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