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Isabelle
Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 176
Indiana

0 posted 2000-02-04 10:28 PM

I'm not so sure about this poem. I do belive i could do better...but I'm not sure how to change it. Feel free to give me any suggestions.

Your Love to Me

You want my heart
My trust
My love
Things I can't just hand out

I put up my shield
Put on that mask
One that hides me
From the world

You can see through it
Know I'm afraid
Afraid of getting too close
Afraid of heartbreak

During the tough times
You filled me with hope
You gave me your trust
You gave me your love

You want my heart
My trust
My love
Things I just can't hand out

I don't want to let this go
I can learn to love again
It's going to be hard
With you I can make it

I want to give you my heart
My trust
My love
Things I can give you

I'm not so sure about the last 2 stanzas but decided to include them anyhow. It doesn't hurt.

[This message has been edited by Isabelle (edited 02-04-2000).]

poetry_kills
Senior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 549
new orleans

1 posted 2000-02-04 11:14 PM

isabelle: i think you've got a very good start here and my best advice to make the poem better would be for you to go into it and explore the feelings and ideas expressed in more poetic detail (perhaps by lengthening the lines or perhaps by adding the occassional additional line)... as it is, here are a few of my suggestions for improvement without changing the poem too much... hope they'll be of some help...

Your Love to Me

You say you want my heart:
My trust, My love --
Things I can't just hand out

I put up this shield
To hide my heart
And don a mask
To hide my emotion
And to seclude your eyes
From my secret world

But yet you see through it;
You see through me
And you see my rising fear
I'm afraid of getting too close --
Afraid of heartbreak
Fearful of what love may bring

During the tough times
You filled me with hope
And you held no mask to your eyes --
You gave me your trust
You put no shield between us --
You gave me your love

And now you want my heart:
My trust, My love --
Things I just can't hand out

I don't want to let this go
...shatter my mask
I can learn to love again
...penetrate my shield
It's going to be hard:
But with you I can make it

I want to give you my heart:
My trust, My love --
Things I entrust to your hands

explaination: the explaination of the mask and sheild metaphors as well as the verses i added in the other stanzas about the shield and mask draw from the first one, which gives you a running theme throughout the entire poem (makes for good poetry and keeps the stream of thought together)... also, i lengthened the "chorus'" second line by combining the 2nd & 3rd, which gives the poem a more uniform appearance... also, deviating the "chorus" helps to show the progression of your feelings toward this person... the slow breaking down of your emotion "sheild" and "mask"...

hope i've been of some help...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with no brain

p.s. -- with a little modification, i think the last two stanzas are absolutely crucial

A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

poetry_kills
Senior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 549
new orleans

2 posted 2000-02-06 05:35 PM

isabelle: let me know what you think when/if you see this... we can discuss it further if you're unhappy with some of the changes...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with no brain

A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

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