The Kiss....arrr, it is I, Cpt. Ahab!

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Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2002-08-01 01:51 AM

Beneath the pine's
crowning height
and summer's gracious sunlight,
on leaves, needles
and nervous sides,
therefrom her father's permit,
I stole a kiss
from her lips,
to stock answers for,
Who has loved?

Be and I'll be smitten
'til a day after death,
when I find reason to discard
the youthful moment best filed as,
a day age does envy.

I will remember,
hands kept warm in hands,
befit fingers more than gloves
and never lose that
which was worth stealing.
Now some of ya might be saying, "Trev, aren't ya going a little overboard here. I mean, come'on, how many times can you rewrite this poem? Let it sleep, let it die." Well to be honest, I can't with this one. Don't ask why, cause I don't know. Usually I can let them go and return to them after clearing my mind but for some reason this one is haunting me....it crept upon me while I slept and whispered revelations in my ear. Ahhhh, I is going mad!!!

Again, pre-emptive thanks to those who read another rewrite.

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

1 posted 2002-08-01 10:32 AM

Hey, Capt. Ahab, we have to stop meeting like this, people are going to start talking!!  hehe

Trevor, perhaps methinks you went a teeny, weeny bit overboard.  I think that up to the point of "I remember love" is where most of the problem areas come in and still needs reworking.  I know you didn't want to hear that, keep your cool though, perhaps as you say, let it rest for awhile?  Definitely keep working on it though, the thoughts and feelings in this are so poignant.

The last 2 stanzas in the third revision seemed to work for me, but again you have to be the main person that is happy with it.

Not much help, huh?  I will think on it, perhaps I will have some suggestions later on. OK?

caterina

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-08-01 10:45 AM

I still like the second one.

'Beneath the pine's
crowning height
and summer's gracious sunlight,
on leaves, needles
and nervous sides,'

I like this beginning a lot...

'therefrom her father's permit,'

Is 'therefrom' a word I don't know? Or a typo?

'I stole a kiss
from her lips,'

I liked the idea of stealing from her father... adding the stealing from her lips breaks the idea up... and takes the poem two different ways- are you stealing from dad, or from her? I also think that 'from her lips' sounds like extra baggage.

'to stock answers for,
Who has loved?'

Don't like this at all... the aswering future why's line was much cooler, IMO.

'Be and I'll be smitten
'til a day after death,
when I find reason to discard
the youthful moment best filed as,
a day age does envy.'

A day age does envy? I really thing that pales in comparison to:

'to discard moments best filed as,
better than I’ve had since, or
what I’d like my days to be.'

(I still have a problem with the commas after 'as.'

'I will remember,
hands kept warm in hands,
befit fingers more than gloves
and never lose that
which was worth stealing.'

Too... not down to earth... too airy... this is an earth poem... and to me... words like 'befit' and phrasing like 'a day age does envy' are too... they aren't direct enough... in your original versions, this was straightforward, and had a sense of youth to it. This version reads as if it's an older person reflecting- I'm not sure which you were going for, but I like the youthful feel better.

Hope I've helped.

Who is John Galt?

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2002-08-01 11:30 AM

Arrrr! Swab the decks, lower the sail and clean the parrots "do-do" out of his cage....Caterina, me go overboard that's impossible.

Thanks for your input again, I do agree that maybe now I've done too much with it and its lost what little of the simple innocent charm it once had.

Hush,

Thanks to you as well for all your help. Personally I think I beginning to like the first one again. "therefrom" is a word, or at least I think it is, well if not it is now

Trevor, poetic license number 985436, permission granted. Just looked it up to double check, it's a word....maybe not a great word but it's a word.

"I liked the idea of stealing from her father... adding the stealing from her lips breaks the idea up... and takes the poem two different ways- are you stealing from dad, or from her? I also think that 'from her lips' sounds like extra baggage."

I definetly agree with you on the points made.

"Don't like this at all... the aswering future why's line was much cooler"

Cool~schmool

To be honest, after reading it today, can't say I dig it much either.

"in your original versions, this was straightforward, and had a sense of youth to it. This version reads as if it's an older person reflecting- I'm not sure which you were going for, but I like the youthful feel better."

I was always going for the older person reflecting on his first love/crush/kiss, whathaveyou, but I agree that this version seems to have lost a youthful feel to it and now it seems to be a bit more of a calloused look at his past.

Well, thanks again to both of you, I've really appreciated all your help with this poem. I think however that will be the last rewrite for awhile, at least until I can re-establish a more fresh perspective on the poem.

Thanks,

Trevor

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