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Critical Analysis #2
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"Unwritten" - prose of sorts
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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"Unwritten" - prose of sorts |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... 
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(rough draft #2) Unwritten She was his life. She lived to see that he was happy. Their love was the center of their lives. Nothing else mattered... Tears slid down his cheeks, as he looked up from sitting on his couch. It had been three months. To be honest, time had stopped then, stopped long ago when those months began. He watched Bethany walk in. She was carrying two cups of coffee. He thought to himself, "She's a good friend. Lynn always loved her." Unable to move, unable to put an expression on his face, he just watched her lean in, handing him his cup. She smiled with her eyes, and, after pausing, turned and sat in the chair across from David. Time slowly passed as they sat, drinking the coffee, Bethany silently offering her company ad support, David quietly accepting. Beth began looking down at her coffee, her face scrunched in unsurity. She had something to say, but she was unsure how to. Unable to decide, she settled on, "I wish I could help ease the pain, David." Looking at her sitting a few feet away, he could see the emotion in her expression. He nodded, his eyes moistening. "I know, Bethany, I know. And your support means so much to me..." He let the sentence drift, unsure where it was heading. He felt too spent to follow it. As Bethany was getting their cups to refill their drinks, David was suddenly focused on something happening outside, by the window next to the couch. He let her take his cup from his hands, his body frozen, unable to move. Although concerned, she felt led to leave him be. her skirts fabric swishing, she headed into the kitchen again. Perched on a branch outside was a summer bird, content and happy, unawares. David didn't see the current bird. He saw the bird after bird Lynn and he had spent countless hours cuddled together watching. He could feel her skin, the pressure of her body. Her soft fingers rubbing his arm. Jerking, afraid, he looked, not sure what he would see. Slowly, the concerned face of Bethany came into view, as she began pulling her hand back. "David, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What's wrong? What did I do?" Suddenly choked up, his eyes quickly began filling up with tears, his throat constricting. Dazed and confused, he looked at her, "Beth, I thought you were her. I... I.... she was here! With me! Oh, god....." He began to convulse, crying. "Oh Dave. I'm so sorry!" bending on one knee, she reached for him. Moments past as they just existed, alone with their pain and the pain of each other. When his tears died down, he leaned back and she released her grip of him. She stayed sitting on the cushion beside him. It was evident by her streaked makeup she too had been crying. "David?" "Yes, Bethany?" he asked softly. "Look at me for a moment." He turned. Holding her breath, she looked at him. She was wrought with uncertainty. Her hands were folded in her lap. David, concerned, sat forward and leaned close, setting a hand on hers. "What is it, Beth? What? Talk to me." Crying, she slowly moved his hand, and opened her own. A wedding ring was revealed. It was Lynn's. "This ring needs a finger, David..." She met his gaze, her body shaking. Time and space -- reality -- froze for the two of them. All he was now aware of was her gaze, and the ring. His mind ran, and ran, the pain of the past meeting the pleasure of the future. Slowly looking down at the ring, his fingers reached for it. [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (04-11-2003 07:11 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Daniel Redding - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Touched, amazed, thrilled. I had no idea you had such depth of feeling and talent at your disposal... If I were to critique anything, it would be this paragraph: Beth began looking down at her coffee, her face scrunched in unsurity. She had something to say, but she was unsure how to. Unable to decide, she settled on, "I wish I could help ease the pain, David." Specifically "unsurity" I would prefer to read "uncertainty" or something else less awkward, less redundant. Other than that minor thing, I thought this was fabulous. Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Wow, thank you so much.  I was struggling with writing a 'snapshot'... writing the image I saw in my head, which was this man crying, and telling the story that went along with it. Finding that balance. I feel at times like I mixed two styles for short stories in this one, but I generally like how it ended up.Again, thank you, kind sir. ~Titus "On the plains of Hesitation lie the blackend bones of countless millions, who, at the verge of victory, sat down to wait, and waiting - died." |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
I really dig this prose...In fact I only have one thing to add to the first "reply", the line "She was his life. She lived to see that he was happy. Their love was the center of their lives. Nothing else mattered..." feels like overkill. Something about the way it feels, especialy when placing it in context of the work as a whole. Maybe it's the use of the word "live" and its other forms feels redundant. Sorry I couldn't be more specific. ~Seth [This message has been edited by Seth (04-13-2003 12:58 AM).] |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Hey you... I'm still not 100% happy with the ending of it, but it's all good, cause it's your baby not mine Like I said, it's just the hint of romance I found in it... it's not true to real life, and I found the rest of it to be true to real life. I think that's what's bothering me about it. Good to see you writing  Life may be hard, but it's your attitude that determines your happieness |
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