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Dark Poetry #3

Spun Again

esclandre
Member

since 2001-06-11

Posts 62
Northern California

0 posted 2002-10-23 04:55 AM

Spun Again
©2002 Esclandre Allain

I cast silence
into a well of defiance:
bristling,
whistling,
humming a tune
in tune with the hum
of a silver dollar
as it spins on the tabletop,
begging for release
on the flip-flop
of your shadow…
smothering mine
in chattering lines
of another
sleepless
night.

Je le Rêve, je Pleure
I dream, I cry

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

1 posted 2002-10-23 08:27 PM

i dislike such short lines. you do not earn at all the implied profoundness of a single word alone on a line.

that said the poem is good read aloud. the image of a coin spinning, wanting to stop, and the alternating shadows it casts is great.

esclandre
Member

since 2001-06-11

Posts 62
Northern California

2 posted 2002-10-25 09:27 PM

Thank you for reading manju. Everyone has their own taste and I appreciate your opinion. I utilized the short lines hoping to accentuate the clipped motions one sees in someone on methamphetamines.

esclandre

Chameleon
Member

since 2002-08-07

Posts 99
Australia

3 posted 2002-10-29 02:30 AM

this is good.
i like, cause the movement definately attracts the attention.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

4 posted 2002-10-30 05:23 AM

I absolutely loved how this flowed down the page without missing a beat of thought! The way you captured the defiance in this poem was excellent. Read Serenity in Open sometime you have a very similar style to hers. I enjoy it when a poem says this much in so few words, great job!

A smile costs nothing but makes someone rich.

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